How does loneliness feel? That ache? That empty pounding in your brain? And then, to your surprise, you realize you're getting used to it. Eating lunch alone doesn't bother me at all anymore. Driving alone. Celebrating alone. Whatever. So, I ask myself: have I become boring? I mean, there is a lot I will — & won't, for that matter — do to protect myself, my heart. And I go home instead of out. Ugh.
All I need now are some cats.
But it's something I'm working on. Forcing myself to get out no matter how soft my slippers are or how many movies are loaded up on my DVR.
Here's the downside of that, though: Going out means meeting new people. Some of those people are guys. Single guys. Single, close-to-my-age guys. Guys I'm in danger of falling for because I'm a girl &, well, that's what I do. Whether I want to or not. And hopes rise only to be dashed again & I get another cat & lock my door.
Sure there's the hope that this time will be different. But age is my enemy. How many times do you have to be disappointed before hope fades to hesitation and hesitation turns to bitterness & despair? After all, I tell myself, isn't it better to expect the worst than to constantly be let down?
Animal shelter, here I come!
Guess I'm just not sure where God fits into my gradually decaying hope. Maybe He wants me to hope for something else. Certainly I still put my hope in Him, but what does that mean? That my hope is in His love for me? That I trust Him to continue to care for me & provide for me?
Well, there it is. The problem is it isn't about me. It's about Him. And if He can use me better as a single, then my hope must be in that — not in any human relationship, but in what He wants to do in my life for HIS glory.
End of pity party.
And yes, I do believe God likes cats. . . .
Originally appeared on: http://sharynkopf.blogspot.com/2009/02/how-does-it-feel.html
For most of her life, Sharyn Kopf had a dream: to write sweet little romances or exciting adventures of the heart. Of course, each would be inspired by her own glorious love story! And yet decades skipped by without a romance of her own. She rarely dated. No one kissed her or even held her hand. Turning 40 seemed to not only kill her dreams of marriage and family, but those of being a novelist as well.
Today, Sharyn still longs for her own love story but she’s discovered she’s not alone in the struggle to find balance between contentment and longing. In January, she co-founded GirlsNightIn40.com, a blog for single women. Her first two books — one a novel, the other nonfiction — about surviving singleness after 40 will release this summer. Full of honesty, humor and, yes, a little romance, these books offer encouragement to others going through similar circumstances.
In her spare time, Sharyn plays the piano, makes the best fudge ever, fights against unnecessary uses of the comma, and watches too much HGTV. She lives in Bellefontaine, Ohio, just five minutes from her favorite people in the world — her family.
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