Last night I was a little upset with myself for not being who I thought I was supposed to be. I was in tears because a criticism wounded me deeply. Was it meant to? Highly unlikely. But it hit me in a place where I was already feeling vulnerable.
After the kids were tucked in I cried.
Are you familiar with that type of crying? The snotty type where you just want to hide because your face contorts and your heart aches so bad. Last night was one of those nights and I just needed to get it out. I cried because I stink at being consistent. I'm all over the place. My house is either spotless or a disaster. My posts are either scheduled out perfectly a week in advance or missing for three days. I either sleep for 14 hours or 4. I am amazing at trouble shooting and creating systems, but it's really hard for me to stick to one. It's an exhausting way to live.
Last night I was overwhelmed with worry about how I'm impacting my family.
Some days my 'natural rhythm' feels like a mistake that needs to be completely reworked. God is making things new in my life and I keep waiting for Him to fix this. To fix me.
Surely He will work a miracle and organize my broken mind.
That's what hit last night. I was so upset I don't even remember falling asleep.
Thankfully this morning I've had time to listen to some old songs that made me smile.(Thank you Dixie Chicks.) I helped the kids get ready for school, did a little laundry, a little food prep, spot cleaned the bathroom, and left a few other messes for another time. I sang loudly and likely out of tune for hours as I worked in my normal haphazard way. I wandered away from at least one nearly full coffee cup. I sat at my husband's desk instead of my own. I jumped from social media to my email, back to content creation, then to writing and finally decided to write this post.
A funny thing happened. It felt right.
I was doing what I needed to do and I heard God whisper, "Don't you see? I made you this way. It's part of my plan. The world, including your family, needs you just as you are."
So here we are. Tears again. Not the heartbroken snotty type. This time they are more like, "Holy cow. How could I miss the point in such a big way" tears.
I recorded a training last week for MOPS (listen here) and my words came flooding back. I told the Mommas that even with their imperfections they were exactly what their kids needed them to be right now. I encouraged them to stop beating themselves up for not being everything that they are 'supposed to' be. Just be the best momma they could be right now with the resources they have.
God pitched those words right back at me today and it spun me around. Hard.
He told me that I was His beloved child and I was exactly where I was supposed to be right now.
He has a way of doing that. When we speak truth to other people, we had better be ready for it to be truth in our own life. Instead of waiting for God to redeem the way my mind splinters into a hundred pieces, it's time to believe He is present in each of those pieces.
I want so desperately for my kids to be confident and love themselves, but beating myself up isn't going to teaching them that.
I've wasted so much energy trying to be better that there's very little left to just BE. Today I'm giving myself permission to be messy, sad, hyper, angry, sleepy, and any of the other dwarves without beating myself up over it.
Are you in the same boat? If so please know that God loves you right where you are! Let Him choose the parts of you that need to be remade.
What the world tells you is your biggest flaw, might just be God's gift to the world.
Angela is a wife, mother of five, blogger and the founder of Broken, Beautiful, Bold. She is passionate about sharing her nontraditional faith journey through speaking, blogging, and facilitating small groups. Angela has been a nurse for nearly 15 years and holds a Bachelors of Biblical Studies from Indiana Wesleyan. Her short story "The Turkey Trail" was recently published in the short story collection "Naturally Yours: Stories About Indiana's State Parks and Reservoirs" She also enjoys cooking, gardening, and exploring the outdoors with her family. Angela is available to speak to groups of any size about Broken Beautiful BOLD or her personal journey contact her at Facebook.com/AngelaJHerrington